im writing into the void right now, because i have no idea if im going to continue supporting my diary page. also, there's no fourth bookmark to the diary page. also, that's boring, i'm bored.

something weird happened to me a few weeks ago and i dont know how to talk about it, and i dont know if i should talk about it, but it felt freeing, in a bad way. there was a situation where my trust in a person was violated, as was my bodily autonomy, as was fucking everything, and it hurt like hell, physically more than emotionally. emotionally, ever since i've had no desire to talk to anyone about anything, and it's weirdly peaceful because i don't care as much as i normally do. i've relapsed in everything i was trying to quit and nobody knows because they don't need to. i shouldn't call it freeing but i don't feel like its anything other than?

i don't feel like being social ever. i don't want to go to shows anymore. i'm okay with that. i went to a few in the past few months. it's nice to see real powerviolence re-emerge but i don't want to stay outside long enough to see more, no matter how much i enjoy live music. plus, its comfier to be inside at night, not halfway across the city.

it's like ... i'm genuinely stupid. i like letting people close to me and never saying anything when i run away. it's a negative trait but after everything that's happened to me (real edgy shithead thing to say) i'm allowing myself to be selfish.

i got my end of year report back. i did surprisingly well and im actually proud of myself. i don't detest school as much as i did when i started this website; if you've been here since the beginning, at my old highschool, i would spend every free period working alone on my website because i had no friends and no drive to make any. but then i changed schools, and i figured out having friends is good creative motivation, and they're nice to me even when i shut them out, which i do a lot. i still don't enjoy school. my mom's really worried about me, mostly because my student file came out with the report, and she realised that i've had such a history of overdosing before/at school just to skip class that the nurses have the poisons hotline number in my file ? which is kind of funny ?