sunday 23rd june - bad feelings and batteries

how do i deal with the intensity of my jealousy? i've failed, i think, to live a life that i enjoy. 17 is not young. i am a different person.
the problem with me is that i feel this paralysing type of anxiety when it comes to age. i feel like i've fallen short in my life already, as i see the sensationalised versions of people's lives on social media. people my age, people that i fear would hate me if they knew me, or hate me if they already do.

i used to go to shows and gigs. not anymore- i'm far too terrified for that. i tried to challenge myself last time i went to one, to go alone, and ended up bawling my eyes out on the side of the road. this was, in part, to seeing the groups of alternative people my age, all sitting together and laughing. it just felt... bad. i'm a dick for this. i should be happy to see others having fun. there's just a part of me that is consumed by jealousy, all the time. people my age learning skills, going out, loving and laughing and fighting and dressing up- it's all a world i fear that i'll never see.

i guess it's all jealousy. i wish i had alternative friends. i wish i had someone who loved me. i wish i had a life that i could pretend was worth living. but i don't, but^2 i'm still here. i'm gonna complain about my love life next. i'm gonna reformat this entry so the happy stuff is at the top. i feel like a real dick.

i said i'd talk about my love life- i don't reallyyyyy have one. i have a self-described incel that has a weird infatuation with me. it's a haunting dread to know that he's around. this guy- calls me 'mlady', has my schedule memorised, has hair that's gone silver from dry shampoo, skinny jeans and has bitched and moaned for an entire lunch break about people finding his "femboy fetish" gay (all because i was alone at lunch... sigh). the part that makes me deeply uncomfortable? i'm a school librarian- usually the only one working, because it means i get to spend my lunch break on the internet. i know what people check out from the library. people ask me where books are all the time. at least 3 times he's asked me if we carry very specific sets of obscure manga that i've never heard of. once i stutter my way through a conversation and he leavse, nosiness will get the better of me. all of the times its happened, its been some... very strange shit, involving young girls. i don't know if he's doing it to fuck with me. it makes my head spin, not in a good way.

my dream guy? another trans guy. i don't like being seen as some exotic product, or as a girl with a weird haircut. haircuts!!! i don't know about my hair!!!!!!

i feel like i'm nothing outside of consumption. i feel like i'm nothing at all if i don't possess something of visual value. i feel like nothing at all without a charm that i never had.

i'm on new antidepressants. they make my head all spinny. i'm gonna stop being mopey.

A LIE!!! i'm gonna be mopey about something else!!!!!!!

recently, i've been trying to find a new battery for my 3ds. the problem with this is, the last official nintendo restock of these batteries were drained by scalpers. the state of retro gaming is extremely poor- it's supposed to be a fun and relatively inexpensive hobby. resale prices of older technology is INSANE!!!! same with dvds, same with old games, same with like... everything. i'm too broke for this...

i think i will make pastries today. i feel low, but i need to get over myself.