wednesday 3 july- zoloft, animal crossing, discomfort
i feel sick. like, not the usual sick, but like a weird, new, creeping sickness.
zoloft! its not working. not really. my parents say that theyve noticed a change, but i've just felt worse, so much worse. all of the energy that it has given me back from staying in bed all day is only used for lousy attempts at self destruction. its passed the point of, like, jealousy of other peoples abilities and lives. that feeling of envy has been replaced with a melancholy anger. at myself, mostly.
it's like, a weird feeling. it's sinking, and i can't find comfort where im used to it anymore. i hate other teenagers under the assumption that they all hate me. the thing is, i can't find joy anymore. i'll give my life to a cause, or move to another city and make up a whole life back home that never really existed. i just wish i had been smarter... or dumber? made worse decisions, where i would have had more fun. everyone seems overjoyed with the lapses in judgement they make, but i can't afford to even walk slightly differently, or the world will change and explode and i'll fizzle into a pile of dust. it is slightly humbling to be ugly and awkward as a teenager. i'm telling myself that this is character development, that this will lead to some amazing model transformation the moment i turn 18. we all doubt that's gonna happen. (;´ρ`)
in other news, i'm thinking of restarting my art portfolio. i have some good ideas that i need to put to paper, and since the deadline was extended, i actually have plenty of time on my hands for once. i've resorted to digital mockups instead of physical- not only is it a lot easier to convey my ideas, but i can also get a good idea of colours. the obvious problem that i face is the pursuit of perfection. if i can't create something exactly how i envision it, then it's useless. but also, i need to scream into a mirror, something about getting over myself. i will find joy in art again!!!! please!!!!!!!!!!
the guy that's been creeping on me has been trying to find where i live. i'm not gonna talk about this much. it's not something i should really disclose online. i don't know if i wanna keep going to school.
IN OTHER!!! MORE!!! OPTIMISTIC NEWS!!! I'M GOING TO GO A WHOLE PARAGRAPH WITHOUT GETTING EXISTENTIAL!!!
i've restarted animal crossing- new horizons. it's my school break soon, so the goal is to finish the early game by the end of this week, and then i have two weeks of almost uninterrupted brainrotting. i don't plan to leave my room much during that time... there were a few gigs i was looking at, but it's so much more comfortable in my room (ᵕ—ᴗ—) so... the island of gashapon! i kind of stole that name from my tomodachi life island of the same name. i think it's a cute name, because i'm letting my villagers be entirely random. so far i have scoot, pashmina, rex, sydney and rosie! those last three are lovely. i don't really talk to my villagers in new horizons, there's not much to say to them- but still, i'm making an effort.
the island of gashapon will likely be documented in place of my acnl town, finch, because i've found its much harder to update people on a game with virtually no storytelling capability. i can only make things up for so long.
the theme i'm going for is very... summery, and a little bit run down. i hope to actually decorate my island this time. i've never gotten very far. i need to buy nintendo switch online, much to my disdain. i'll make a moodboard, and update this page with it when i'm bothered. my end goals for the island-
-move my favourite villager, freckles, onto the island
-have some sort of lore for the island, documented here on neocities
-have at least 1/4 of the island finished by the end of the holidays
i bought a bunch of stickers, as well as some new glasses. soon my new schoolbag will get here. i can't wait to cover it in pins.